Week 5
GOLD RUSH!
THE 49ERS ARE DANCING! 5-0 with 3 division wins for San Francisco. Brock Purdy is moving around the pocket like Steve Young making plays for Mike Evans and BRANDIN COOKS!
The entire NFC North is above .500 on the year! This was my division to watch and after the Packers put it on the Bears, they sit with the Lions as well - all at 3-2. The Vikings hold the Saints to 13 points but they lose TJ Hockenson to injury. 5-0 is possible with a good defense, a veteran RB, a top-3 WR and a QB who can make plays. The Vikings have won 10 consecutive games dating back to Week 14 of last season. Their last loss was on Nov. 30 of 2025. They are now on to their bye week, with their next game being against the Colts on Oct. 25. If they win that, they will secure an 11 month run without any losses. Some "fun" stats from this streak:
The defense has allowed an average of 10.2 points per game over this span. They also have 20 turnovers, many of those setting up short fields for their offense.
The offense has used those shortened fields to score 22.2 points per game.
4 different quarterbacks (JJ McCarthy, Max Brosmer, Kyler Murray, Carson Wentz) have started for the vikings in these 10 wins. They have combined to average 164.3 passing yards per game. The highest performance being JJ McCarthy's 250 yards performance against the cowboys on Dec. 14.
Will "Will the Thrill" Reichard has been 27-27 in field goal attempts, and 20-20 in PAT attempts. His average distance per attempt is 42.6 yards, and his longest make was 56 yards. Your author is seriously considering buying his jersey.
Jared Goff is #2 this season in passing yards (1,485), tied for 2nd in TD (12), and have zero interceptions on the year (the fewest).
Jaylen Warren through 5 weeks: 410 rushing yards, 230 receiving yards, and 2 total TDs. He is the only player this year to lead their team in both rushing and receiving yards.
I didn’t forget Drake Maye and Jordan Love. Hell of a performance by Drake Maye especially, but Jordan Love is now over 1,400 yards passing on the season. Your top five QB passing yards are Stafford, Goff, Love, Stroud, and Prescott. Hmm…
Monday Night Madness
Josh Allen vs. Matthew Stafford did not disappoint in MNF combining for nearly 600 yards of passing. Add 121 rushing yards from Allen and 111 and 2 TD from James Cook III to make this game an instant classic. Puka Nacua gets 17 receptions and it seems to be a theme this year amongst the elite WRs in the league. 24 targets for Nacua is the 3rd most targets in a single game ever. Sick performances all around and nothing to be ashamed of here. Down goes Kelly Stafford like her dress on prom night.
Week 5 Bummers
The clock runs out on the Commanders as the Giants and Washington game ends in a OT tie. Not sure that has ever happened before, but it did to Jayden Daniels even though he rushed for 2 TD and over 100 yds. Similarly, the Falcons had it all going for them on SNF in a hard fought game with Baltimore until Michael Penix goes down and Tua coughs the game up only three plays into his entrance. The only QB who had it worse than those two was Justin Herbert in Week 5 as LAC falls to 0-5. No one would blame the guy if he just wanted to go be a family man this year.
Draymond Greenlaw takes a cheap shot at Ernest Jones IV after a late hit on Sam Darnold and he is going to miss a week due to NFL suspension.
Wade Phillips Memorial Hospital Corner:
TJ Hockenson - Concussion.
Deebo Samuel - Hamstring.
CeeDee Lamb - Quad bruise?
David Montgomery - Groin.
Will Shipley - Partial tear of plantar fascia.
Quinshon Judkins - Tweaked his ankle. Plays for the Browns.
JSN - Trying to tough it out but plays on TNF next week.
KC Concepcion - GOT JACKED UP!
Roman Wilson - Who?
Josh Jacobs - Not playing this year bro, just let him go.
Matchup of the Week
Kirby Had A Little Lamb - 124.35
Aaron Rodgers is streaming play of the week for the Lambs with 3 TD passes for the third straight week! This team might be holding onto a QB for once and who would’ve guessed it was old man Johnson & Johnson. Christian Watson is the number 2 FF WR on the year and has 6 TD through 5 weeks of the season! BALLIN! Brock Bowers has only played three weeks and is the FF TE #5 and has gone 23.6, 17.6, and 20.0 in those three weeks. Even with a boat load of injuries on the bench, the Lambs hold on to get a win over the Dahdis and it’s all thanks to Will Reichard who is the glue that is holding this team together. Tone setting win from the Little Lambs as he will take on the Tuten N Bootin’s next week.
Swag Dahdi - 123.01
Across the board performance from Swag Dahdi and his bad ass kicker, Tyler Bass. The new kicking rules are suspect and the vote was never made, but it wouldn’t have made a difference in this matchup which neither team deserved to lose. With Pat Mahomes out, Dahdi turns to Kyler Murray and Derrick Henry to keep him in the game. Sam LaPorta, CMC, and Aaron Jones Sr. all cross the goal line this week, but the injuries and BYE week may have did this FF team in. Even once McConkey gets healthy, I am not sure it’s the game changer that was needed this week. Dahdi joins the 3-2 gang and will look for a bounce back win next week against the Editor-In-Chief. Should be easy, right?
What Could Have Been
Players that could have been drafted ahead of the actual picks.
Blitz All Night:
Drafted:
Omarion Hampton - Overall pick #12 - FF RB #23
Missed:
Derrick Henry - Overall pick #18 - FF RB #3
VIEJO ROJO:
Drafted:
Travis Etienne Jr. - Overall pick #27 - FF RB #44
Missed:
Javonte Williams - Overall pick #30 - FF RB #8
Blitz All Night:
Drafted:
Emeka Egbuka - Overall pick #37 - FF WR #31
Missed:
Tetairoa McMillan - Overall pick #41 - FF WR #15
Editor-In-Chief:
Drafted:
DJ Moore - Overall pick #47 - FF WR #53
Missed:
Davante Adams - Overall pick #48 - FF WR #5
Editor-In-Chief:
Drafted:
Jadarian Price - Overall pick #50 - FF RB #65
Missed:
Bucky Irving - Overall pick #53 - FF RB #14
Tuten N Bootin’:
Drafted:
Kyle Pitts Sr. - Overall pick #65 - FF TE #30
Missed:
George Kittle - Overall pick #78 - FF TE #4
Tuten N Bootin’:
Drafted:
Jayden Reed - Overall pick #113 - FF WR #130 (injury)
Missed:
Jalen Coker - Overall pick #115 - FF WR #26 (only 2.5 weeks played)
Editor-In-Chief & Blitz All Night
Drafted:
Jalen McMillan - Overall pick #122 - FF WR #167 (injury)
Xavier Worthy - Overall pick #132 - FF WR #67
Missed:
Deebo Samuel - Overall pick #139 - FF WR #22
Top Rookies of the Week
Highest scoring FF rookie QB, RB, and WR/TE of the week.
QB:
Jalon Daniels: 13.86 points
RB:
CJ Donaldson - 2.5 points
WR/TE:
Denzel Boston - 12.1 points
Bad Starts of the Week
Players in the FF starting lineups who did not perform this week.
CookinProxys
Tyler Shough - -0.16 points
Kirby Had A Little Lamb
RJ Harvey - 0.7 points
Autodrafters Anonymous
Carnell Tate - 1.1 points
GETS MY DICK HARD OF THE WEEK
〰️
GETS MY DICK HARD OF THE WEEK 〰️
Malik Mustapha runs over the Seahawks and Rashid Shaheed. GMDH! Pause…
Overreaction of the Week
The Bills got the win that the Eagles needed. They both were facing criticism as teams that should be good that might not be good. But the story completely changes for both teams now - the Bills are good and the Eagles are cheeks. IDK that either is true, but Sirianni has got to be on the hot seat now.
WTF are the Saints? We know the Titans, Chargers, and Cardinals are going no where fast… even the Bucs after a win too. But, the Saints confuse me. This has to be the last time I bring up the Saints, it’s not that difficult - if it smells like fish and looks like fish, it’s a big spicy tuna getting ready to be set on rice and eaten with soy. Same with the Broncos - it’s smelling like largemouth bass over there. Lance Bass, Tim Bass, striped bass. So long Sean Payton. You’re a nobody now.
Are we done with these overseas games now? I get it, the NFL is a cash game and you have to bet the maximum table limit each and every play. But I mean, c’mon, this shit is weak and it just throws a wrench into the system. I know the Jags game started slow and finished hot, but I wake up early enough on the weekdays, I don’t need to watch Big Dom dipping his cannoli in America’s pocket on my precious Saturday mornings.
Next week we got Seattle/Denver TNF, Dallas/Green Bay SNF, and THE GOLD RUSH dancing on MNF. Gonna be a good week to watch if you ask me.
Around Dubtown:
WE HAVE A NEW KING! Blitz All Night sits alone at the top. Call it what you want, he’s got the top spot regardless of schedule, points for, and regardless of Tony’s feelings. This team has 3 QBs and two injured RBs and is still putting up nearly 140 FF points right in Traynor’s face! Speaking of Traynor, has any one heard from him? A lot more quiet when Bijan doesn’t score 25. Harrison Mevis can’t save you now, Traynor baby. Hot tip - You can Wyatt need to get together and have a waiver wire party where you stop holding onto your lost causes on the bench and pick up a third QB like our league leader! It’s not crazy if it works! Hell, I’m 1-4, I’ve got nothing to give. Someone queue the complaints about points for and points against…
Wait a minute.
Did anyone hear that?
Good gawd almighty! That son of a bitch!
It’s Old Red’s music!
THE OLD RED INTERVIEW - Interview with VIEJO ROJO manager Wyatt North
An exclusive sit-down with a founding father of fantasy football, a misunderstood genius, and currently the most dangerous 0–5 team in America.
1. Name, Age, School, Signing Bonus:
Old Red. 35. THE Cal State Fullerton Titans. $19.99 signing bonus, paid in three installments. Still waiting on the final payment. My agent is furious.
2. Fantasy football years of experience:
Decades. I've been playing fantasy football since half this league was still swimming around in their father's testicles. I've forgotten more about football than Tony has ever learned.
3. What do you want the league members to know about you?
First and foremost, I'm a founding father of this beautiful disaster. Josh Browning and I started this league back in the early 2000s, when fantasy football required actual knowledge, a desktop computer, and a functioning brain.
It's been incredibly rewarding returning to the league and mentoring newcomers like Tony. There's something special about watching a grown man discover what a touchdown is for the first time. Especially when he spent his childhood watching grown men flop around on a soccer field begging for yellow cards.
I'm not just a competitor. I'm an educator. A humanitarian, really.
4. What is your favorite part of the Dubtown FF League?
Getting forcibly removed from group chats for exercising my First Amendment rights. Stirring the pot. Being projected to win by 30 and losing by 45. There's nothing quite like waking up Sunday morning as a 90% favorite and going to bed looking like the Cleveland Browns.
5. What rules, changes, or updates could Dubtown FF League use to improve the league and the overall experience?
I'd start by bringing our scoring system out of the Jurassic period. We have quarterbacks orchestrating entire offenses, throwing 40-yard lasers into double coverage, only to receive fewer points for a touchdown than a running back who falls forward from the one-yard line.
It's an absolute disgrace.
Between the injuries, underwhelming scores, and D/ST scoring system that apparently rewards defenses with Monopoly money, this league desperately needs an injection of electricity.
More points. Bigger matchups. More explosive Sundays. We need football, not a low-scoring European soccer match where everyone celebrates a 1–1 tie.
6. You're currently 0–5. At what point did you realize your draft strategy had become a criminal investigation?
First of all, I'd like the record to reflect that I was ranked FOURTH immediately following the draft. Fourth. That's not an opinion. That's documented evidence.
Unfortunately, a series of injuries and acts of God have transformed my once-promising roster into a federally protected disaster zone.
I often compare myself to a small salmon swimming upstream. Bruised. Battered. Fighting against impossible currents. Surrounded by predators. But the salmon doesn't quit. The salmon perseveres. And eventually, the salmon eats.
When will I eat? I don't know. At this point I'm starting to think I'm a farm-raised salmon.
7. Did your team underperform, or did you simply assemble the greatest collection of fantasy disappointments ever seen?
The investigation is ongoing. My legal team has advised me not to comment until we've determined whether this was incompetence, negligence, or a coordinated act of domestic terrorism against my roster.
8. Looking back, which draft pick keeps you awake at night?
ETN. Devastating. Josh Jacobs. Criminal behavior. Jalen Hurts. An absolute con artist in shoulder pads.
Fun fact: I once saw Jalen Hurts at Life Time Fitness at approximately 4 a.m., sitting in the sauna after a workout. I considered introducing myself but decided to respect his privacy.
Looking back, I should've confronted him right then and there about his future fantasy production. I had an opportunity to prevent this catastrophe and chose silence. That's something I'll have to live with for the rest of my life.
9. Is there a plan to turn this season around, or are you already looking to next season?
Absolutely. I'm preparing a series of trades so outrageous, so historically lopsided, that ESPN will be forced to launch an investigation.
I will be aggressive. I will be relentless. I will trade anything that isn't bolted to the floor.
That said, I will not be conducting business with Tyler Matthew or Tony. I have standards, and I refuse to negotiate with organizations that operate like unlicensed pawn shops.
10. How much of your record is bad luck?
1,000%. Possibly 1,200% once the independent audit is completed.
11. Have you considered that your fantasy team may simply not respect you?
Every night. Sometimes I lie awake staring at the ceiling wondering if these men even know who they're playing for.
12. Which player has personally hurt your feelings the most this season?
Khalil Shakir. I drafted this man thinking I had secured a dynamic slot receiver. A PPR machine. A reliable weekly contributor.
Turns out I drafted a professional cardio enthusiast.
13. Who is the biggest fraud among the teams currently above you in the standings?
Every single manager who auto-drafted.
I've never seen so many people rewarded for doing absolutely nothing.
14. Which manager thinks they're a fantasy genius but has simply gotten lucky?
Kyle. Without question.
Kyle carries himself like he's personally responsible for inventing the forward pass. Meanwhile, his entire season has been held together by blind luck, favorable matchups, and what I can only assume is a private arrangement with the fantasy football gods.
15. Who talks the most trash with the least amount of accomplishments?
Tyler Matthew. All day. Every day.
This man talks like he's got seven Super Bowl rings, a bronze statue outside Canton, and a documentary narrated by Morgan Freeman.
16. Which team do you secretly think is heading for a complete collapse?
Kirby. Without hesitation.
That team is hanging on by dental floss and divine intervention.
17. Who are the most annoying league members?
I don't want to stir the pot, because as everyone knows, I'm a man of peace.
However, I've sent trade offers to certain individuals who apparently check the fantasy app once every presidential election cycle.
At some point, you have to wonder whether these people are actually managing their teams or have outsourced the entire operation to ChatGPT.
18. Who is one manager that you'd enjoy beating the most?
Laron. Specifically in the Shit Bowl.
There's something deeply spiritual about meeting a familiar opponent in the league's most prestigious toilet and flushing him into the offseason.
I've done it before. I'll do it again. Some rivalries are built on championships. Ours is built on sewage.
19. Who is most likely to finish last besides you?
Lowe. I think his time has come.
20. Anything else you would like to add?
Yes. I'd encourage every manager to take five minutes, open the league settings, and ask themselves one simple question:
Are we playing fantasy football in 2026, or are we operating a fantasy league from a cave in Mesopotamia?
The game has evolved. The athletes have evolved. The NFL has evolved. Yet somehow, our scoring settings remain untouched, preserved like ancient Egyptian artifacts.
We need reform. We need innovation. We need leadership.
And if nobody else is willing to stand up for the future of Dubtown Fantasy Football, then I, Old Red, currently 0–4, will bravely lead that charge.
I'll close with this: You can question my draft. You can question my trades. You can question my record. But you cannot question my greatness.
Thank you. No further questions. My attorney will be handling all media inquiries.