FOOTBALL IS BACK!

NFL football is back, baby — and we’re in Brazil now! We got Thursday Night Football, Friday Night Football, Carrie Underwood on Sunday night, and a Monday night divisional matchup. It’s beautiful, baby and it’s here for the next 5 months!

Aaron Rodgers is back. Daniel Jones makes his Colts debut. Chris Boswell? The greatest kicker to ever walk the Earth. Mike Tomlin even mentioned that he might be a serial killer — and honestly, that’s exactly what I want in my kicker. Kickers need just the right touch of psycho to have no feelings. (Just be careful where you’re touching, Mr. Tucker.)

Packers, Lions, and Early NFC Drama

Is this the year for Green Bay? The NFC looks loaded, but this might be the Packers’ best chance to finally make a playoff run. Meanwhile, the Lions putting up just 3 points at halftime raises a red flag — tough opponent or bigger problem? Week 1 is early, but you don’t want to fall behind and start 1-3 or 2-5.

Derrick Henry went full monster mode in Buffalo, but Josh Allen did Josh Allen things and Matt Prater drilled the walk-off game-winner for the Bills in a comeback thriller. Justin Fields and Daniel Jones both balled out for nearly 30 fantasy points, while Quentin Johnston and Emeka Egbuka each grabbed two TDs.

The Niners Prove a Point

NEVER AGAIN will I slander my own team. The Niners slammed the door on the Seahawks, with Nick Bosa looking like a straight-up grizzly bear. Happy to have Saleh back on the defensive side of the football. No more limp-biscuit, sorry-sister football — Shanahan actually closed out a game! Loved it.

Oh, and the Raiders picked up a W in Pete Carroll’s Vegas debut. Not bad for the new-look squad.

Around the League

The Saints still suck.
The Panthers still suck.
The Titans still suck.
Jalen Carter spits.

The Dolphins are in hot water, and so is their coach. Tua looked like a turnover machine, exactly what everyone worried about all offseason.

And Bo Nix? The Broncos got the win, but two picks, one fumble, and just 6.84 fantasy points screams sophomore slump watch.

Matchup of the Week

B1G C*CK BROCK is riding the Bijan Robinson wave! The number three FF pick this year plus a huge rookie performance from Emeka Egbuka and a smooth 15.0 from Achane gives Kirby a big Week 1 win. Imagine what will happen if Kyler can put together some type of season this year. And with Tank Bigsby going to the Eagles… this could be a big year for the past champ-champ.

Not good enough this week for the Barbies. A no show performance from DeVonta Smith did this team in as they lose by less than 5. A lot to look forward to though with Derrick Henry showing his King status and Jalen Hurts is the Super Bowl MVP. Can’t always rely on your kicker though, sorry buddy.

Early Season Awards Predictions

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Early Season Awards Predictions 〰️

Here are my predictions for NFL awards after Week 1.

Most Valuable Player - Josh Allen

Offensive Player of the Year - Christian McCaffrey

Defensive Player of the Year - Myles Garrett

Offensive Rookie of the Year - Ashton Jeanty

Defensive Rookie of the Year - Shemar Stewart

Comeback Player of the Year - Justin Fields

Coach of the Year - Liam Coen

Top Rookies of the Week

Highest scoring FF rookie QB, RB, and WR/TE of the week.

Have You Seen Me?

Players in the FF starting lineups who did not perform this week.

GETS MY DICK HARD OF THE WEEK

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GETS MY DICK HARD OF THE WEEK 〰️

Puka Nacua bleeding from his eye, getting stitches, and then returning to the game to get the first down! Gets my dick hard!

Overreaction of the Week

Week 1 felt good. The teams we expected to win got the job done, and the teams that struggled last year mostly stayed the same. Obviously, that won’t hold for the whole season — some teams will rise, some will disappoint — but for now, things lined up pretty much as expected. It was definitely slow and not the best football, don’t get me wrong. That said, a few losing teams still looked solid and should have good seasons ahead. The Seahawks will be fine. The Cowboys will be fine. The Lions are loaded with talent. And the Ravens won’t have to face the Bills every week.

Caleb Williams looked like the real deal in the first half. Seems like he just needed Ben Johnson to bring out the confidence in him and get the locker room back. The earrings and the painted nails aren’t as suspect when you start playing well! Shit, you can hop on a big gay cruise and wear a Dodgers jersey for all I care. Those are the bad decisions that you will need to make in life before understanding that the only thing that matters is throwing touchdowns. But overthrowing guys and letting your foot off the gas is going to let JJ McCarthy back into the game. I don’t really know which one of these QB’s is good or bad. It was like they flip flopped between halves. I do know that some people are saying JJ McCarthy is the best QB to ever come out of Michigan though.

A lot of FF scores under 100 this week. For Kyren Out Loud was the top rated draft, right? Aiyuk can’t come back soon enough. La Llama Roja vs. Port my Ash for pillow fight of the week. Swag Dahdi and Empty Backfield should be sending these guys an Edible Arrangment or a gift basket for bailing them out this week. Cheeks.

Tax Man and McCaf for runner up to matchup of the week. Not bad, but really not that good either. Maybe I can get Brock Purdy at a discount.

Week 1