FUMBLE!

At the goal line! For the second time in two weeks, a player loses a TD at the goal line and out of the back of the endzone for a touchback. The Cardinals suffer one of the more hilarious and ridiculous losses in recent history. Eagles lose, Bills lose, Seahawks lose, Rams lose, Chargers lose! It’s the shake up that was expected to come sooner or later and with the Bills loss, there are no longer any undefeated teams in the NFL! The 49ers win a big one at the goal line with a punch out fumble on TNF to start with 3 wins in the division and get some much needed rest from a short week to a long week. The Lions roll the Bengals as expected and Spencer Rattler finally gets his first NFL win.

Baker Mayfield was getting into it with the Seattle crowd and even though they don’t have any coaches that mother fucked him in his past, it was the crowd giving him all the motivation that he needed to hand the Seahawks another final quarter finish.

Someone name a more unhinged quarterback in the NFL… did someone say Mark Sanchez? No, sorry Wyatt, he is no longer playing in the NFL. It sounds like he may be doing his best Adam Sandler impression for the Longest Yard and playing QB for the Indianapolis Penitentiary team this upcoming season against the prison guards. Don’t drop the soap, homie.

Rico Dowdle goes over 200 yards in week 5! *Insert Friday Night Lights gif - “Comer? Our Comer?” Dowdle’s rushing yards to start the first five weeks: 12, 9, 30, 32, 206. No one in their right mind would put them in their starting FF lineup. Jonathan Taylor continues his hot start and is making a serious case for Offensive Player of the Year as the Colts push the Raiders and Geno Smith toward finding a new QB. Bill Croskey-Merritt officially broke into the NFL while eye fucking the shit out of Tom Brady on Live TV and Jayden Daniels returned to his rookie season form. Fantasy football owners are going to be in a blender with the Redskins backfield this season, but the risk/reward could be massive.

Dak Prescott went off against the New York Jets going for 62% completions, 237 yards, and 4 TDs. Prescott is 2nd in the NFL in passing yards and they are chanting MVP as he walks off the field. WOW!

Week 3 BUMMERS

Zach Ertz goes without a catch for the first time in a DECADE! Tetairoa McMillan may never find the endzone this year - are we looking at the new Trey McBride. A ton of targets to the rookie WR and the Panthers only have two wins and McMillan is stuck outside the top 25 in FF. Omarion Hampton sitting out most of the 4th quarter and reports of him going onto IR come out on Monday. James Cook with an unusual game rushing for only 49 yards and the Bills lose to the Patriots. Cook still sits at 2nd in the NFL for rushing yards on the year.

What should we do with Derrick Henry? Anyone ever heard of Old Yeller? Yeah? Well let me remind you of what happened. Old Yeller contracted rabies and the little boy had to grow up and make a grown man decision to save his family. So the little boy made a brave decision to get his gun and shoot Old Yeller in the face. I’m just saying, it’s an option and Geno Smith might be next too.

Matchup of the Week

WHOOOOOOAAAAAA NELLY! After 329 days of pain, humiliation, and enough fantasy heartbreak to run a romantic Dungeons and Dragons journey, The TITLETOWN TURTLES AND THE HAMMER C0CKS have finally done it—they’ve won a game. Yes, you read that right. The same team that’s been allergic to victory since Tyler Bowman had a bleached bowl haircut (or so it feels) has clawed its way out of the depths of the waiver wire. Opponents had grown complacent, assuming the C0cks would just keep getting hammered — but this time, they did the hammering. Analysts are calling it “the miracle of the Cock-Off” and fans are struggling to understand why Kirby showed his C0ck a little too early in the trade market. This team scored over 100 for the first time on the season and is rubbing some Egbuka all up in the League’s face. Raise your glasses, fantasy degenerates. The drought is over. The parade is scheduled for Tuesday, attendance is optional and strongly discouraged. The Hammer C0cks showed up in velvet, dunked on the competition, ate some pancakes, and whispered in Kirby’s ear…

B1G C0*K BROCK was all balls but no C0*k in Week 5 as Brock Bowers was replaced by Taysom Hill. Bye weeks, injuries, suspensions, and bad trades. This team has all the excuses this week! Justin Fields and Rashid Shaheed are Boom or Bust players for the fantasy world but those two were the highlight of the week for this team. RJ Harvey is on the other side of the Boom/Bust coin though as he only get 4 carries on the day. Kirby is sporting possibly the best RB’s in the Dubtown Fantasy league though and faces off against a sputtering La Llama Roja next week. Look for a get right game coming up.

BETTING ODDS

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BETTING ODDS 〰️

🏆 DubTown Fantasy League – Rest-of-Season Odds (Week 6)

Here are the ChatGPT odds for the rest of the season

🥇Swag Dahdi 4-1

3 / 1 (Favorite) Elite

Jefferson + Keenan + Etienne + JT is absurd. Mayfield’s floor is low, but this is a weekly juggernaut. If Nick Chubb somehow returns, cancel the season.

🥈B1G C0*K BROCK 4-1

4 / 1 Elite

Bijan + Achane + CeeDee + Metcalf + Fields = a fireworks show. Depth is solid but a bit risky if Achane misses time. Brock Bowers breakout could seal it.

🥉The Tax Man 4-1

6 / 1 Contender

Stroud looks legit, and Jacobs/Swift/Williams give RB stability. Marvin Harrison Jr. can take over matchups. Only weakness: TE spot and injury-prone RBs.

4️⃣For Kyren Out Loud 3-2

8 / 1 High-Ceiling

Mahomes + Kelce + Barkley + Kyren = nuclear upside. But depth is thin and WRs (Worthy/Waddle) are streaky. Could absolutely win any given week.

5️⃣Spread Eagles 3-2

9 / 1 Contender

Josh Allen, A.J. Brown, Garrett Wilson, and Pittman are elite. Gibbs heating up. TE/DST okay. Very boom-or-bust depending on Allen’s heroics.

6️⃣Pearsall My Holes 3-2

12 / 1 Sneaky

Breece Hall + Chase + Deebo is balanced, and Lamar Jackson on bench gives QB boost. Could rise fast if Hampton returns healthy.

7️⃣I Think I Pulled McCaf 2-3

15 / 1 Upside Play

CMC alone keeps you alive, and Puka + Olave give WR juice. Depth shaky, Daniel Jones/Caleb Williams QB roulette is risky. Needs CMC health.

8️⃣La Llama Roja 2-3

18 / 1 Middle Tier

Herbert + Amon-Ra + Hockenson = solid core. But RBs (Cook/Hunt) and bench are thin. If Mixon returns healthy, could sneak into playoffs.

9️⃣Empty Backfield 2-3

22 / 1 Volatile

Jayden Daniels, Diggs, Adams, London = dangerous. RBs are meh. If Pacheco becomes a top-10 RB, could pull off upsets late season.

🔟Ken You Dig It? 1-4

30 / 1 Spoiler

Hurts, Henry, Montgomery, DeVonta Smith is decent, but WR depth and coaching decisions have been rough. Could play spoiler, unlikely to run table.

1️⃣1️⃣Port My Ash 1-4

45 / 1 Long Shot

Jeanty + LaPorta + McLaurin = fun, but QB Bo Nix and shallow bench limit upside. Needs two waiver miracles to climb back in.

1️⃣2️⃣The Hammer C0cks 1-4

60 / 1 Comic Relief

Dak, Pollard, Trey McBride, and rookie WRs are serviceable, but the depth chart screams “Sunday heartbreak.” Recent win gives life, but miracle needed.

📊 Power Tiers

Tier 1 (Elite Contenders): Swag Dahdi, B1G C0*K BROCK, The Tax Man
Tier 2 (Playoff Threats): For Kyren Out Loud, Spread Eagles, Pearsall My Holes
Tier 3 (Dark Horses): McCaf, Llama Roja, Empty Backfield
Tier 4 (Spoilers & Longshots): Ken You Dig It?, Port My Ash, Hammer C0cks

Top Rookies of the Week

Highest scoring FF rookie QB, RB, and WR/TE of the week.

Have You Seen Me?

Players in the FF starting lineups who did not perform this week.

GETS MY DICK HARD OF THE WEEK

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GETS MY DICK HARD OF THE WEEK 〰️

Jaguars Devin Lloyd picks off Patrick Mahomes for the 99 yard pick 6 as the Jaguars defeat the Chiefs! Gets my dick hard!

WHY HE DO THAT? OF THE WEEK

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WHY HE DO THAT? OF THE WEEK 〰️

Jalen Hurts running after his own Hail Mary pass at the end of the game. Could you imagine if he did catch his own pass to win the game? It would probably be the greatest play to ever exist. But until then - WHY HE DO THAT?

Overreaction of the Week

The Bills and the Lions and (sorta) the Packers seem like the only teams left from the good teams of the past 3 seasons that are still contenders. It looks like we have a new crop of teams at the top. Bucs are there with the Packers too, I guess. Broncos have a chance, Colts have a chance. The Commanders and the Patriots might be a year too early but there is something to start talking about there. The Jaguars? Look out! I think they will all lose some games this year that they should win and show their immaturity, but for now it’s win after win. It could be a good futures bet to make the playoffs or for next years Super Bowl even. Drake Maye with the stiff arm was so sick to watch and to beat the Bills in Buffalo could be in the early running for one of the biggest wins of the year.

The AFC South went 4-0 on the weekend, outscoring their opponents 137-66. Compare that to the AFC West and the AFC North and you will be all in on the Colts too.

Kimani Vidal vs Hassan Haskins is going to be the most ridiculous FAAB fight since Trey Benson Week 4. Save your pennies, goofballs, the Chargers running game is bunk. Or save if for Jordan Addison, if he can show up for curfew. Or save it for whoever the Raiders are going to roll out at QB next week. I don’t care what you do to be honest. Just don’t be upset when your 3rd string running back drops the ball at the goal line and screws up the entire survivor pool!

Around Dubtown:

What’s wrong with venting to your boys? Can’t a guy just overreact and threaten to switch to soccer without being called a pussy? Toxic masculinity is the problem with the Patriarchy, didn’t any of you watch the Barbie movie? Something about horses? Speaking of Ken… it’s time to start acting a little bit more like Booker T and a little bit less like Trish Stratus! What would Baker Mayfield do? I might get one of those Fathead cutouts and just look at it whenever I get depressed about losing to high point of the week or when Chris Lowe has something smart ass to say in the group chat. 1-4 on the season - stick to jet skis, pal.

A big scoring Week 5 in Dubtown FF League! It has to give hope to some of the teams who are losing close games or playing the top point getters of the week.

What’s the temperature:

For Kyren Out Loud is looking NICE! Let’s all watch as he implodes.

The Tax Man is sick and tired of the hearing any non sense from the group chat when he literally has this all under control. Fortney knows what he is doing and I will never try to manage his team for him again - until next week when I think he has lost control.

Pearsall My Holes? I want to be out on this team but Lamar and Ja’Marr will ALWAYS give this FF team a chance.

Swag Dahdi is picking on I Think I Pulled McCaf like he is some Catholic private school football player picking on a suburban 30-something still in College. I dare you to ask Bowman to name a single Bible verse.

Hey, Tony, riddle me this:

I dwell in the cellar, week after week,
My points are pitiful, my prospects bleak.
Then one fine Sunday, the stars align,
I crush my foe — victory’s mine!
Now I boast like a king, loud and proud,
Proclaiming my greatness to the crowd.

Who am I?