GO PACK GO!

Another 3 TDs for Jordan Love and a late INT in the endzone seals the game for the Packers in the cold of Lambeau! Jordan Love now sits with 22 TD and 4 INT. He is 9th in the league in passing yards, 5th in TDs, and 2nd in the league in QBR for the year! The Packers come up with the interception in the end zone on a botched coverage but Caleb Williams saw the man too late and it turned into the same old story - Green Bay over Chicago.

Josh Allen was heating up in the snow, the Broncos have won ten in a row, and Jalen Hurts is a BOZO! Puka Nacua and the Rams continue their hot streak and remain the Super Bowl favorites. Rams defense against the Cardinals stood up and they have another home matchup against the Cardinals, who are possibly the new worst team in the league, in a couple of weeks.

Week 14 BUMMERS

Kansas City loses on SNF and loses their 9 year streak of winning the AFC West. Patrick Mahomes finished that game with a passer rating of 19.8 — by far the worst of his career. His previous low was 44.4 in a win over the San Francisco 49ers last season. It's the first time in Mahomes' career that he's thrown zero touchdowns and three interceptions.

Daniel Jones goes down with an Achilles injury and has surgery to put him out for the year. The Colts had a resurgence in large part due to Daniel Jones but they will have to fight for the playoffs without him. The Ravens also made a great comeback on the season but are also looking like they may be playing themselves out of playoff contention with no help from the refs. What is actually a catch? I thought we figured this out, someone call Dez Bryant!

Zach Ertz - Out for the season with a knee injury.

De’Von Achane - Just a little sore.

Jalen Hurts - Throwing picks AND fumbling.

DJ Moore - Unproductive.

Philip Rivers - Grandfather.

Matchup of the Week

Heading into the playoffs and B1G C0*K BROCK has got the momentum! It’s Kirby’s world and we are all just living in it! Week 14 was no different, but the injuries to De’Von Achane and CeeDee Lamb are a cause for concern. Points across the board for this team and even Caleb Williams couldn’t lose this matchup late in the game! Texans defense is legit this year and Jake Elliott does enough on MNF to put Lowe back in bed. Very fitting for a kicker to win this matchup.

Sleepy Lowe gets three big performances and 6 mediocre performances out of the rest of the team and its a bad matchup for the momentum going into a next week playoff matchup with Swag Dahdi. Loses can be tough and Packers players don’t usually help, but the 49ers are back next week and this team will be back on track!

END OF THE YEAR AWARDS

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END OF THE YEAR AWARDS 〰️

The Hammer C0cks

The Hammer C0cks – “The Emotional Support Turtle Award”
The Hammer C0cks — our commissioner, our fearless leader, our resident drama queen. I’d say he led us with strength and dignity… but he finished last a year ago and he missed the playoffs again, so clearly leadership skipped him like the group chat skips over any of his tantrums.

Congratulations, Commish! Your award this year is a turtle shell, so the next time someone makes fun of you, you can finally crawl inside and stop overreacting for five seconds.

Pearsall My Holes

Pearsall My Holes – “The Matterhorn Avalanche Award”
Started hot. Looked unbeatable. And then, like a Niners Super Bowl, collapsed spectacularly right when it mattered. This man talks a big game, posts hype in the chat… and is the only winning team in the loser’s bracket. Truly a Disney-level tragedy.

Your award: A FastPass for your season’s ride… straight into the Consolation Bracket.

For Kyren Out Loud

For Kyren Out Loud – “The Dad of the Degenerates Award”

For Kyren Out Loud — the only man in the league who actually behaves like an adult. Bay Alarm’s CEO, father to three kids, and somehow still finds time to babysit eleven grown idiots melting down every Sunday. You’re the league’s father figure, a responsible authority… basically the opposite of the commissioner.

Your award: a pair of New Balance and some compression socks. We wouldn’t want you pulling your back out of place.

Swag Dahdi

Swag Dahdi – “The Put Out the Fire Award”

Give it up for the reigning champ: Swag Dahdi — firefighter, Raider fan, professional chaos generator, and part-time Undertaker impersonator. He won the league last year, entered this season with swagger, and now his team is limping into the playoffs like it got hit with a folding chair.

Your award this year: a WWE urn containing the ashes of your championship hopes.

The Tax Man

The Tax Man – “The 1040 Award”

Now presenting… the most boring team name in the league. The Tax Man. An accountant. A man who made “barely squeaking into the playoffs” his only personality trait. Thank you for showing us that something like watching your team could actually be more boring than doing our taxes!

Your award: a W-2 form signed by the entire league confirming that watching your matchups was a tax on everyone’s time.

Ken You Dig It?

Ken You Dig It? – “The BlogBoy Buffoon Award”

Ken You Dig It? The league’s writer, hype man, pot-stirrer, and Mr. talk-first-think-never personality. For writing weekly blogs full of takes that have the accuracy of Shedeur Sanders. Bottom of the pack. Every year. Consistency is important… just usually in the positive direction.

Your award: everyone else in the league receives a mute button for when you say some dumb shit and don’t back it up.

I Think I Pulled McCaf

I Think I Pulled McCaf – “The Group Chat Lifetime Achievement Award”

The most active chatter. The loudest weapon. The first to call someone a PUSSY and the first to get kicked out of the chat for doing it. He bullies the commissioner for sport. He instigates fights. He thrives on chaos like it’s oxygen.

Your award tonight: your very own Group Chat Lifetime Achievement Award, giving you priority reinstatement whenever you get kicked out… again.

Port My Ash

Port My Ash – “The Human Bye Week Award”

Next… the man, the myth, the automatic win: Port My Ash. A perennial basement dweller. The league’s equivalent of a warm-up game. He doesn’t talk, doesn’t fight, doesn’t win… honestly, we aren’t even sure he knows there’s a league.

Your award: a white flag — finally matching your gameplay.

Empty Backfield

Empty Backfield – “The Running Back Amnesty Award”

For drafting running backs like they were illegal contraband. Former football coach turned fantasy anarchist. Plays hard, chats hard, loses hard. Lives by the motto: “Why run the ball when you can run your season into the ground?”

Your award: a laminated picture of Christian McCaffrey that says, “This is what a running back looks like.”

B1G C0*K BROCK

B1G C0*K BROCK – “The Monica Lewinsky Award”

The juggernaut. The multi-time champ. The man who scores so many points the commissioner considers outlawing success. B1G C0*K BROCK — the size may be in the name, but the real flex is how you dominate this league like you have a hog between your legs.

Your award: a box of Kleenex to clean yourself off after coming back from Traynor’s office.

La Llama Roja

La Llama Roja – “The ¡Qué? Award”

La Llama Roja — named in Spanish despite speaking none of it. A cultural mystery. A bilingual fraud. A man who Googled “cool Spanish words” and said, “Yup. That’s me.”

Your award: a Duolingo subscription to help with your cultural appropriation.

Spread Eagles

Spread Eagles – “The Jet-Lagged Legend Award”

Spread Eagles — quietly great team, always on the move, always traveling, probably drunk at a bachelor party, and still managing to win. He’s tired, exhausted, jet-lagged, overstretched, but somehow putting up points like he drafts exclusively in airports.

Your award: a neck pillow, because you clearly need sleep more than you need running backs.

HIGH AND LOW

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HIGH AND LOW 〰️

Highs and lows of the year at the end of the FF regular season.

Top 3 high point scores of the year:

Spread Eagles - 186.16 points in Week 7

B1G C0*K BROCK - 164.34 points in Week 13

B1G C0*K BROCK - 159.50 points in Week 6

Bottom 3 low scores of the year:

La Llama Roja - 55.64 points in Week 11

Empty Backfield - 55.92 points in Week 14

Port My Ash - 61.72 points in Week 8

Top 3 FF individual performances of the year:

Jahmyr Gibbs - 53.9 points in Week 12 for Spread Eagles

Johnathon Taylor - 51.1 points in Week 10 for Swag Dahdi

Josh Allen - 45.86 points in Week 11 for Spread Eagles

Top D/ST performance of the year:

Minnesota Vikings - 32.0 points in Week 3 as FA

Top kicker performance of the year:

Brandon Aubrey - 25.6 points in Week 14 for Swag Dahdi

Best rookies of the year:

QB - Jaxson Dart - 175.94 points

RB - Ashton Jeanty - 162.9 points

WR - Emeka Egbuka - 150.5 points

TE - Tyler Warren - 130.7 points

Top Rookies of the Week

Highest scoring FF rookie QB, RB, and WR/TE of the week.

Have You Seen Me?

Players in the FF starting lineups who did not perform this week.

GETS MY DICK HARD OF THE WEEK

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GETS MY DICK HARD OF THE WEEK 〰️

Kyle Monangai running through a motha fuckas face and then keeps going! Gets my dick hard!

WHY HE DO THAT OF THE WEEK

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WHY HE DO THAT OF THE WEEK 〰️

Pete Carroll and the Raiders set up the walk-off field goal for the loss. WHY HE DO THAT?

Overreaction of the Week

The Bills in second place in their division, Ravens in second place in their division, and the Chiefs in third place in their division! Jaguars in first place in their division, Broncos in first place in their division, and the Panthers NEARLY in first place in their division! It’s Chaos and I love it. I would love for the Broncos and Bo Nix to pull something out of their ass this year. Not much of a hot take as they are so fun to watch and looking like a heavy favorite in the AFC, but still it seems hard to bet on them to win the AFC. We are going to have to give up on the past and start believing in Bo Nix and Drake Maye. Not like believing that they are good now and have made a big impact on the league. Like actually believing that one of them is going to lead their team to the Super Bowl.

The way that Green Bay played, and the way that they are coached, this has to be their year. Closing out games is how the playoff games are won in the NFL and the Bears-Packers game felt like a playoff game. Credit to the Packers defense on that last play, it almost felt like both teams handled that play correctly and that’s what we live for the excitement of NFL football.

At this point - I like Rams and Broncos in the Super Bowl. Who knows though… it’s going to come down to the playoff matchups and seedings. The whole 7 team playoff doesn’t really sit right with me, but it feels like the NFL finally got this one right as it is forcing everyone to play until the final week and puts an emphasis on that first round Bye.

Around Dubtown:

B1G C0*K BROCK #1 and Spread Eagles #2 get the first round Bye.

I Think I Pulled McCaf #5 vs. Swag Dahdi #4.

The Tax Man #6 vs. For Kyren Out Loud #3.

The real matchup is the battle to the bottom between Port My Ash and La Llama Roja. I will be rooting for the Points Against leader in La Llama Roja. I feel you bro, I feel you.